


Shit or Get Off

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Series: Rare Ships on Bingo [4]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Flirting, Jealousy, M/M, Multi, Off-Screen Vandalism With Feces, Open Marriage, Poor Choices All Around Really, Poor Spelling on the Part of a Character, Xenophobia, spite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25855393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: After years of hard work, Phichit has his big chance: he can get in with the Royal Skaters, Jean-Jacques the King's favorite and most highly regarded entertainers.  Disaster strikes the night before the audition skate.Or I got Phichit/JJ on my Rare Ships!!! on Bingo card and with those two don't you HAVE to do a riff onThe King and the Skater?
Relationships: Jean-Jacques Leroy/Isabella Yang, Phichit Chulanont/Jean-Jacques Leroy
Series: Rare Ships on Bingo [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867507
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2
Collections: Rare Ships!!! on BINGO 2020





	Shit or Get Off

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Beds and bedrooms  
> Pairing: Phichit Chulanont/Jean-Jacques LeRoy

Phichit curled up in the hallway, struggling to believe that this was happening. It was hard to understand why anyone would do something like this, and even harder to understand why anyone would do anything like this to him. It wasn’t an accident. Beds didn’t get covered in excrement accidentally, not if they weren’t being used by someone too old, young, or sick to have another choice, and those people wouldn’t take the time to spell out GO HOME FOUREN BOY with the material. No, this was done on purpose, and there couldn’t be any mistaken identity meaning this was aimed at someone who had an enemy. As far as Phichit knew, everyone loved him.

“Phichit?” He looked up, hoping he’d misheard and the voice didn’t belong to the person he thought it did. No luck. There in front of him stood Jean-Jacques, the King. “Phichit, what’s wrong?”

Phichit tried to get to his feet, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him as Jean-Jacques crouched beside him. “No need to rise or bow or do any of that stuff. You look miserable, just tell me what’s up and if there’s anything I can do to help.”

Phichit looked up briefly, but away toward the door to his room before he could really make eye contact with a king. Friendly or not, his mother had raised him better than that. “I could use another place to sleep tonight. Sleeping on the ground isn’t going to be good for my skating tomorrow.”

Jean-Jacques frowned and looked toward the door. “What happened? Why can’t you sleep here like usual?”

“It’s… a really big mess, of the kind that even if I cleaned it up I’d still feel like it was there,” Phichit tried to explain without having to talk to a king about feces or sound whiny about not feeling safe in his own bed after someone attacked it. “I don’t… wait, no, don’t…”

It was too late. Jean-Jacques had gotten to his feet and thrown the door open, staring at the bed in open shock. He quickly closed the door. “Okay. We’ll get you fully out of there tomorrow, but for now just go grab anything you’ll need for tonight and tomorrow. Try to disturb as little as possible so I don’t have to resort to giving people pop spelling tests.”

The idea made Phichit snort a bit. On the one hand, a smart vandal would not give themselves away by spelling it the same wrong way. On the other hand, a smart vandal probably wouldn’t spell it fouren once. He quickly gathered everything he needed and scooted back outside. It wouldn’t do to keep the king waiting.

He balked when he realized Jean-Jacques was taking him. “Your Majesty…”

“You’ll be safe here. If someone really does hate you enough to hunt you down, find you here, and mess with you anyway I’ll know who it is and get them away from you.” Jean-Jacques opened the door to his bedroom. “There’s only one bed, but it’s plenty big enough for two.”

“The queen won’t mind?”

“Not one bit.” Jean-Jacques’s smile wasn’t quite a smirk, but it was close. “Well, nothing you could do could make it a problem. If you get pregnant and I either don’t step up to acknowledge my child or I do step up and your kid becomes a threat to hers in succession, then she’d have a problem, but neither of those would be on you at all.” The cocky grin disappeared, replaced by a completely serious face. “If you want to take advantage of the situation, you are more than welcome to, but if all you want to do is sleep here for tonight and we’ll find a better solution in the morning, that works too. No one will care about you sleeping in here aside from whoever did this to you, and…”

Jean-Jacques was interrupted by a knock followed almost immediately by the door opening. Phichit quickly dropped to one knee as he saw Queen Isabella come in, leading a young man Phichit recognized from skating practice bound in chains. “Honey, have you… oh, there you are, thank goodness. Phichit, I assume you’ve found the mess Jaden made?”

“Jaden?” Phichit’s head snapped up and he stared at the other skater. “Why?”

“It wasn’t bad enough you stole my coach, you had to go stealing my dreams too?” Jaden snarled. “Everyone knows King JJ loves skating and skaters and anyone who could win a star skating job here at court had a good chance of ending up here!”

Phichit blinked. And then blinked again. “So if you could make me unsettled and hopefully get a bad night’s sleep, you thought you could beat me out at the competition tomorrow to be named a Royal Skater?” He’d watched Jaden skate. The talent was, debatably, there, but the work ethic was most definitely not. There was no way Jaden would make it. And even if there were… “Why me? Why not someone who’s more prone to rattling?”

“Because everyone’s talking about how much King JJ pays attention to you during practice. With you in Royal Skaters, no one else would have a chance.”

The queen put a hand to her mouth to smother the giggles. “He’s got a good point there, honey, I haven’t seen you like this since Yuri kicked you in the balls.”

“I still say if he hadn’t just found out about my affair with the guy he was already half in love with, he’d have responded very differently,” Jean-Jacques said with a roll of his eyes. “Phichit, feel free to ignore as much of this as you’d like, or act on whatever you want to act on. There is absolutely no pressure on you.”

If anything, that made Jaden even angrier, and Phichit glanced over at Isabella. She didn’t seem bothered by the thought at all. If anything, the look on her face was best described as encouraging. Phichit had never considered it before, but what the hell, right? When life handed you lemons, sugar, eggs, and an oven, what kind of idiot didn’t make a delicious merengue pie with them? “Sounds good to me, as long as I can skate my best tomorrow.”


End file.
